Perfectionist- (n.) A person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection
(adj.) refusing to accept any standard short of perfection
Sheesh! So with the title of this blog, you can infer or make the conclusion that I am “healed” or that “i’ve overcome”…Nope! I am merely Reclaiming my Sanity (in my Maxine Waters voice) , I’m just out here trying to get better.
My husband and I were in my car and I was driving back home from somewhere, I can’t remember from where, and I was trying to say the word “admittedly” and I kept saying it over and over again until I got it right, and I could tell he was over me by then. I then said, “I gotta make sure I say it right",” and honestly he couldn’t care less if I did or didn’t, but I cared! He then says to me, “you try so hard to be perfect, it’s ok.” I clutched my “invisible pearls” and I immediately got defensive and said, “No I don’t” but then quickly changed my response to, “well you know where that stems from.” In that moment, it hit me that I still have “perfectionist” tendencies and that I’m not unblemished or flawless….because Lord knows I am far from perfect. I’m the chick that despises when I have typos, can’t remember things, or when something isn’t done how it’s “supposed” to be done (face palm). How I grew up plays a major part…as a child to foreign parents, expectations were set pretty high with me and my siblings, it almost felt like…actually scratch that, it felt like there was no room for error; we had to “perform” our best in everything we did whether it was academics, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. Hell! we were praised for doing well in any of those areas, so of course we wanted to make our folks proud and receive the incentives that came with it too! However, imagine having to “perform” all your life?! Sheesh! that’s tough, because the flip side of that, if you don’t perform your best or feel that you were spot on and “perfect” you can really do some damage emotionally and mentally to yourself; you get mad or frustrated then the irrational beliefs kick in full throttle “I’m not good enough,” “What is wrong with me?” “I should be able to do this,” “I’m (insert label or name calling here)” and so on and so on.
Thank God, I don’t need to be perfect, when I fully understood that for myself, the game changed. I’m so glad that I don’t need to “have it all together” to be effective in this life. It wasn’t a smooth walk in the park, but the blessing for me is understanding the truth that nobody is perfect seemingly or not, and self awareness! I have mentioned before that I thrive in spaces where my authenticity is welcomed, also with the understanding that not everybody is ready with open arms to receive me flawed and all; they’d rather deal with the “perfected” parts of me, which puts me back in the “performance” realm…so over that. Listen…you gon’ get this flawed, non-perfect, striving for better #blackgirlmagic ok! This is a reminder not just to others but to myself as well, that there is no NEED to be perfect, forgive yourself of mistakes, because you will make mistakes, affirm yourself in a positive way (dead the negative chatter in your head), and LOVE yourself hun.
“I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.”- Unknown