I Need a Me in my Life - says Me.

Have you ever said to yourself or maybe someone else,

I need a Me in my life?

I have said this to myself a few times before, but thought I’d share with the social media world why I felt or feel this way, and you may find this relatable yourself!

I mean honestly, it’s nothing too deep as to why I feel this way, I mean I think i’m pretty DOPE as a person and if I call you friend, I think I’m a DOPE friend too, yeah I said it! Sometimes you have to give your own self “roses” so to speak, not to brag, be self centered, or conceited, but because I realize how far I’ve come in my journey in life and how much i’ve changed and I don’t have to wait to be affirmed by someone else, I affirm my damn self.

There are many reasons why I would love a “friend or person like me in my life” but I’m only going to focus on a few of those reasons for the sake of not making this a long blog..haha just playing. On a serious note, I admire some of my qualities and characteristics that I’ve wished I could see in others, if i’m being honest. I think it’s okay to have some time for self reflection and appreciate things about yourself versus focusing so much attention on what you need to improve or change. In the past several years i’ve come to appreciate my authenticity and being a genuine soul (good, bad, indifferent) and because of my own personal experiences, growth, and perspective, I found it hard to cultivate relationships that were anything other than…but realized that it was also unfair to others; and actually irrational if you think about it. I also appreciate how I am able to encourage others when they need it and even myself when I need to, listen…I wouldn’t have started half the projects I’ve done if I didn’t encourage myself! I also appreciate my “active listening” skills lol, it’s definitely the therapist in me, and it causes me to tap into my intuitiveness, which I feel is truly a blessing to be able to speak into the life of another person and feel connected enough to do so. Ok, I know I said a few things, but one more quality I appreciate about myself is my ability to show and exercise Empathy, this right here is a blessing and curse lol I am able to understand a person’s story, their experiences and even their behaviors…but also feel EVERYTHING sometimes *face palm* hence why self care is sooo important for me; i’m not new to this, i’m true to this——>”SELF CARE ISN’T SELFISH”

All of those qualities I mentioned above, to me are, are ideally what I would love to see in any relationship I cultivate and aspire to build, in a perfect world I would want a friend like ME ;-) but until then i’ll TRY to continue to show up as the best version of myself for myself and others.

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I'm a recovering perfectionist...

Perfectionist- (n.) A person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection

(adj.) refusing to accept any standard short of perfection

Sheesh! So with the title of this blog, you can infer or make the conclusion that I am “healed” or that “i’ve overcome”…Nope! I am merely Reclaiming my Sanity (in my Maxine Waters voice) , I’m just out here trying to get better.

My husband and I were in my car and I was driving back home from somewhere, I can’t remember from where, and I was trying to say the word “admittedly” and I kept saying it over and over again until I got it right, and I could tell he was over me by then. I then said, “I gotta make sure I say it right",” and honestly he couldn’t care less if I did or didn’t, but I cared! He then says to me, “you try so hard to be perfect, it’s ok.” I clutched my “invisible pearls” and I immediately got defensive and said, “No I don’t” but then quickly changed my response to, “well you know where that stems from.” In that moment, it hit me that I still have “perfectionist” tendencies and that I’m not unblemished or flawless….because Lord knows I am far from perfect. I’m the chick that despises when I have typos, can’t remember things, or when something isn’t done how it’s “supposed” to be done (face palm). How I grew up plays a major part…as a child to foreign parents, expectations were set pretty high with me and my siblings, it almost felt like…actually scratch that, it felt like there was no room for error; we had to “perform” our best in everything we did whether it was academics, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. Hell! we were praised for doing well in any of those areas, so of course we wanted to make our folks proud and receive the incentives that came with it too! However, imagine having to “perform” all your life?! Sheesh! that’s tough, because the flip side of that, if you don’t perform your best or feel that you were spot on and “perfect” you can really do some damage emotionally and mentally to yourself; you get mad or frustrated then the irrational beliefs kick in full throttle “I’m not good enough,” “What is wrong with me?” “I should be able to do this,” “I’m (insert label or name calling here)” and so on and so on.

Thank God, I don’t need to be perfect, when I fully understood that for myself, the game changed. I’m so glad that I don’t need to “have it all together” to be effective in this life. It wasn’t a smooth walk in the park, but the blessing for me is understanding the truth that nobody is perfect seemingly or not, and self awareness! I have mentioned before that I thrive in spaces where my authenticity is welcomed, also with the understanding that not everybody is ready with open arms to receive me flawed and all; they’d rather deal with the “perfected” parts of me, which puts me back in the “performance” realm…so over that. Listen…you gon’ get this flawed, non-perfect, striving for better #blackgirlmagic ok! This is a reminder not just to others but to myself as well, that there is no NEED to be perfect, forgive yourself of mistakes, because you will make mistakes, affirm yourself in a positive way (dead the negative chatter in your head), and LOVE yourself hun.

“I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.”- Unknown

Just out here in my skin tis’ all.

Just out here in my skin tis’ all.

SELF-LOVE...okay!

Self Love:

Part 2 of the “Insecure? Let’s talk about it” series.

In my last blog I mentioned SELF-LOVE, but what does that actually consist of? What does it look like? How do I start? are probably questions you may have had or have. There is no one answer that fits all of those questions. The truth is, it will consist of something different and look different to each individual. Also, you start when you are ready to start.

SELF-LOVE is being connected to yourself; it’s unique, it’s intentional, it’s rewarding, it’s refreshing, it’s unapologetic in nature, has no boundaries, and it’s freedom, much like Self Care, right?! I have listed below ways to identify your WHAT, WHY, and HOW to make your SELF-LOVE journey, a fulfilled one.

1. WHAT? Define what loving yourself means first and foremost. Discover and identify what SELF-LOVE looks like for yourself, what do you hope to gain? What are areas in your life, where you need to accept and fall in love with all over again or for the first time! For example, my definition of SELF-LOVE is being okay with every part of what makes me, Me and viewing myself the way God views me. Your definition will be different from mine, but that’s okay!

2. WHY? Your “why” will be your motivation to start and continue on your SELF-LOVE journey so make sure its worth your time, energy, and efforts. Your “why” will not be the same as the next person’s, but again that’s a good thing!

3. HOW? Write a list of all the things you love about yourself right now and then make a list of things that you desire to love about yourself, if you can write a list of things that you love about yourself now, then you have the ability to love other parts of you, no matter what it is, and know it is not just limited to physical attributes. In a previous blog, I mentioned “positive affirmation,” (which is a statement that helps to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts) as a good way to combat low self-esteem, but it can be a powerful and empowering thing when you use it. Positively affirming yourself, can propel you to have a healthy sense of yourself in the long run. When you positively affirm yourself, you must make sure it is positive ONLY, so no room for self hate or to pick at the things you don’t like about yourself. Again, SELF-LOVE is intentional, by saying “I Am…” you can have freedom to choose whatever realistic word would fit. (ex. I Am worthy, I Am capable of getting through today, etc..) Furthermore, you can devote each week to an aspect of your life (refer to your list you developed with what you desire to love about you); like really dedicate the week to an aspect or part of your life which needs more of your good ol’ lovin’ and attention. Don’t be afraid to remove yourself from negative energy; if you are constantly around negative people and negative energy your self love journey won’t be easy; be intentional about surrounding yourself with others that are encouraging and positive, you need a healthy balance! Do the things that make you happy, forgive yourself from past mistakes, acknowledge your small victories, challenge your negative thoughts should they come (where is the evidence that this thought is true and valid?) and show others love and respect (very rewarding), embrace yourself :-) I’d also like to add that journaling your SELF-LOVE journey is a greaaaaat idea, something to look back on some time later too

HMMMM…I wonder what i’m having for lunch??

HMMMM…I wonder what i’m having for lunch??

SELFcare+GOD

First, let me say that Selfcare is not devoid from God, and encompasses mind, body and spirit and for those that believe that it has to be or that it is, this blog is for you as well. I love GOD and I love SELFcare, periodt'! I am grateful I don't have to choose between the two and still keep both. 

I want to focus on two scriptures from the bible that leads me to believe that GOD is okay with us taking care of ourselves :-)

1. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. (Hebrews 4:9-11)

~REST! REST! REST! After all, your body will let you know, when you've been deprived of rest anyway, but c'mon Jesus understood the importance of rest and replenishing ourselves. 

2. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church– for we are members of his body. (Ephesians 5:29-30)

~We as people, may do the bare minimum to care for ourselves, but it is through intentionality that we do it; feeding ourselves and clothing ourselves. Jesus Christ never hated his Church; he cherishes and nourishes "her."

Rest is so important, and just one of the many things we can and need to do, no matter what line of work you are in or what you do; we shouldn't over exert ourselves, because we will be no good not just to ourselves but to others! This body we have is our "temple" and we need to take care of it. I'm sure you've read or seen numerous times ways you can practice self care on your own terms, but like i've mentioned before via my IG handle, what you do for self care is personal, and what may work for someone may not work for you in the "space" that you're in. So, I hope you consider this GOOD news, knowing that GOD also valued and understood just how important it is to consider yourself a priority as well; it isn't selfish.

OAN: Also, self care doesn't have to cost you money; these can be behavioral changes, mental fitness; unlearning old, unhealthy habits, reframe negative self talk, and/or positive affirmations, etc. While there's nothing wrong with setting aside funds to incorporate certain activities into your week if needed; if it replenishes your soul and makes you feel whole and happier. Remember going broke in the name of self care is counter productive; I'm not just talking about financially, but emotionally and mentally as well (yeah I said it.)

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Making friends as an adult is hard AF

What's your definition of a friend? I have my own perspective of what a friend is to me, which has changed from when I was in highschool or even college I guess. Now, for me the issue isn't necessarily getting to know someone and possibly even exchanging numbers and maybe send a text here or there, that's cool, but that's not necessarily a cultivated "friendship". The reason why I think it's hard, is because people aren't willing to make the sacrifices or I should say take the time to cultivate friendships these days, and then add to that equation motherhood, wife, business woman, and entrepreneur 🤦🏽‍♀️ It's tough out here. I am sure people may assume I'm too busy, or I can't get out the house, or that I have so many friends than I can keep up with...ALL WRONG! 

There are certain things that I look for in a friend now that I never really cared much for before, for example a person who is genuine, like seriously! I need that like I need my favorite snack! Sheesh lol that is so hard to find these days or maybe I'm in the wrong places? Lol I jokingly told my husband that I was going to post a "friend application" and see what happens lol...FYI, I wouldn't do that but still... 😂 

Having community makes life more enjoyable, we aren't meant to walk through life alone or with just our significant other, and that is something I learned quickly when I became a wife and then business owner and mother. I'm being super vulnerable by saying that I wished that I could say that I am apart of the sisterhood narrative...but honestly I'm not. I mean no disrespect to the individuals in my life that I speak to occasionally or when things happen in their lives and they trust my input, but at this age and season of my life I desire friendships where we can learn from each other, pray for each other, be open/vulnerable, have fun, be connected spiritually and intellectuaLLY! Nothing wrong going out and having a good time, but I need balance, can we have heartfelt convos about life though?! Do our energies vibe?! There's nothing wrong with commenting under my posts on social media or liking  my pics. But that doesn't equal a friendship in real life...do we talk apart from social media? 

Now Don't get me wrong, I also play a part in this too! I haven't always reached out consistently to those that consider us friends, and yes there are times I have been busy and sadly I tend to guard myself from people who "always have a need" they need filled, whether it's by me or someone else.  I also don't like to feel like I'm bothering you, by taking initiatives to set up a day/time to hang or to chat; IF my initiatives pretty much result in nothing, then I typically just give that person space. But let me reiterate, I don't desire to have superficial friendships or ones with no depth or substance, I don't mind meeting new people and hanging out here and there, but as far as a friendship that looks different to me 🤷🏽‍♀️

Now I thought that being friends with someone who is in a similar or the same stage(s) of life as me would be seemingly easier, but not necessarily in my opinion, I don't think it matters a wholllllleee lot just depends on the type of person I'd befriend right?! And their intentions are good...confused? Let me explain, I once befriended a woman , although about 10 years older than me, we hit it off, we were not in the same stages of life, except that we were both business owners, but as time went on I'd notice the comments she would make about my Life, or how she perceived it rather, as if I should feel bad or feel bad for her ....it came off sometimes as envy, now whether or not that was the case I am not exactly sure, but long story short I had to distance myself from that "friendship," now before you think "oh you didn't address it with her?!" I actually tried and that's what made me decide that there was nothing I could do to change her situation or perspective, it was CLEAR. 

Now it took me a looooonnnngggg time to finally decide to write this blog, I didnt want to, but felt like I needed to, I don't want to send the message that I'm a loner and I have zero companionships, but there is a difference for me between a friendship or friendships and people that I just occasionally speak to/hangout with/speak with..etc. I feel like that's a step above associate but not necessarily a friendship lol, you feel me?!

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